Lessons of Driving
I used to work at Cognitive Arts writing content for interactive training. The philosophy driving the company came from the idea that we learn best when we make mistakes. So, we would give our corporate trainees options that seemed like a good choice, and then play them out on video with the worst possible outcome. I still have fond memories of directing an actor to drop a sledge hammer on the counter at Grainger as one of the wrong answers.
When it comes to one of the adult tradition of car ownership, my choices interacting with the real world gave me so, so many opportunities to make mistakes, but one question still remains. Did I learn anything? Let’s walk though a few real-world examples...
The Boring, No-Nonsense Saturn
When I attended a 6-week class in California, I did not really plan for transportation, and discovered within my first few hours in Los Angeles that, um, huh, maybe I’m going to need a car. So, I bought a Saturn that same day, with the plan to sell it back in 6 weeks. This plan seemed very logical and brilliant at the time. I had figured out a way to avoid the high cost of a 6-week rental car, because, as we all know, cars really hold their value when we drive them off the lot.
On the plus side: the car made me marketable in TV production, which is how I found myself writing a joke with Paul Reiser while driving him to his dentist.
The Sporty Pontiac Grand Am
When I first needed to buy my very own car, I found an amazing deal, a practically new, hot red Pontiac Grand Am for the low, low price of $5000. I really enjoyed flying down the highway for a full three months until that sexy engine cracked in half.
On the plus side: This tragedy pushed me into more practical choices for years to come, from an unmemorable Chevy sedan of some sort or other, to two Saturns, and several incredibly economical Priuses (Prii?). The revolutionary gas mileage I got from my hybrid made me question why anyone would ever consider buying a gas guzzler?
The Post-Prius Gas-Guzzling MINI Cooper Clubman
I found out the reason for buying a gas guzzler when I fell in love with the adorable design and sturdy construction of the MINI, so much that my brain shut off, and I completely forgot that humans had ever invented the Prius. Then, one day, the warranty ran out, and suddenly, everything needed a $1000 repair.
On the plus side: I learned my lesson, and returned to my beloved Prius, never to stray again.
The Kia Sportage Hybrid
Just kidding. While technically straying from the Prius, I convinced myself I could make an exception for a hybrid SUV with 38 mpg. The dogs loved the room in the back, with a nice big-screen back window to watch their favorite form of entertainment: traffic.
One day, I was driving home for work, having a nice how-was-your-day chat with my wife, and all at once, we were thrust back to the late 1990s with this nostalgic conversation:
“Hello? Can you hear me?
“Hello? Hello?”
“Oh great, hello? Hello?
“Hello? Can you hear me?”
“Hold on. One second. Hello? How about now?”
“Ughh! Stupid car!”
“Now I can hear you.”
After a full year of 1990’s-level technology, I discovered that you could download an update from the 2024 internet and plug that USB right into the car to solve all my problems. This process took some logistical maneuvering, because the updater didn’t quite work right away, at least not on the first fifteen tries. But, the sixteenth? Success!
However, plugging the USB into my car gave me the not very surprising message: “File not supported.”
At this point, I surrendered to the limitations of Kia technology, and looked for a new car. The Kia had served me well, and quite frankly, I didn’t have the right number of kids for an SUV, which apparently is more than zero.
Forgetting my whole history with cars, I set my sights back on a car I enjoyed many years ago: a MINI. Consumer Reports, the website I obey like my cult master “dear leader,” indicated that the 2022 MINI Countryman held promise, with high marks for reliability and owner satisfaction. This car apparently understood the assignment.
However, after some more practical calculations to account for the gas guzzling nature of it all, I finally woke up from my MINI-stupor.
On the plus side: Now I own a Prius again.
